The life I was meant to live
by chrslauz
Summary: Kate is ready to live the life she was meant to live. Set after Headhunters, but no spoilers for anything beyond that. Just one way I can imagine Kate and Rick taking the next step in their relationship.


She took a deep breath and let it flow through her pursed lips as she relaxed onto the table. Large, strong hands kneaded the muscles of her shoulders into submission. She slit one eye open and looked across the gap between tables at Lanie, who was receiving similar treatment from her masseuse.

"Hmmmm..." She murmured. "This feels good. Remind me to listen to you the next time you suggest a spa day, Lanie."

"Girl, I told you this was exactly what you needed! This, some wine, and a little girl talk- kinda makes all your problems fade into the background a bit, huh?" Lanie smirked at her, while Kate rolled her eyes in response.

"Mmmmm, I dunno about that- but it does feel pretty good. I'm much less stressed than I was a couple of hours ago."

Kate and Lanie had decided to spend their evening at Lanie's favorite spa, getting facials, full wax-and-buff body treatment, and finishing up with massages. Add in the bottle of wine they had shared, and it all added up to a very relaxed duo.

"So Kate, how has it been at work with Castle lately? Since his little field trip with Detective Slaughter, he seems to be attached to your hip again. Things going ok?"

Kate took a second to think about it, feeling her lips curve into a slight smile. "He's back, Lanie. Or at least, he seems like he is... It feels like things are finally back to normal. He smiles at me again- real smiles- and he acts like he cares about me again. I still don't know what his deal was, but it seems like he's gotten over it, thank God!"

"So now what are you gonna do, Kate?" Lanie asked while taking a sip of her wine.

"Ummmm, enjoy the peace? What do you mean?" Kate asked with a small frown. She propped herself on one elbow to peer at Lanie.

"Girl, don't play dumb with me- you know you can't just accept the status quo and let things hang like they are right now..." At Kate's glare, Lanie continued. "Whatever Castle's problem was, he seems to have decided to concede this battle to you. But you can't expect him to keep doing that. My guess is, the next time something happens- he'll walk. It'll be the straw that broke the camels back. This is your chance,honey. And it might be your last one. You have GOT to tell that man how you feel about him. Now- before it's too late. I don't want to see you broken-hearted when he decides he's truly done waiting. You are getting a second chance here- don't you see? Don't waste it Kate!"

Later that night, Kate slid between the sheets of her bed and curled up around her body pillow. Feeling fully drained of all tension; she melted into the bed and let her mind wander as she drifted off. "Lanie is probably right," she thought as her brain slowly wound down, "but I'm not sure I'm ready...what if he's not ready?" Her doubts swirled through her weary head, mixing with Lanie's words as she finally dropped off to sleep...

_The warm breeze is blowing her curls into her face, so she reaches up to tuck the strands behind her ear. The sand under her feet is warm and soft, and the sounds of acoustic guitars playing a gentle song drift to her. Looking down, she realizes she is wearing a swirling, gauzy, off-white dress that floats nearly to her bare feet. Looking up and into the distance she sees waves crashing onto a beach, but before her- oh, before her she sees all her closest friends and family sitting in rows, and an archway, and a preacher standing with bible in hand. And Castle, standing there, facing her with a soft, loving smile on his face, waiting to claim her as his bride..._

_And then, in a twinkling, it all changes. Instead of a gentle ocean breeze, now there are beads of sweat tracking down her face, and a cold washcloth plastered to her forehead, and pain, and fear, and masked faces looming over her telling her to *push, PUSH* and she is so scared. But then she hears his deep, calming voice in her ear, telling her she's got this-, telling her he loves her- telling her to push when it feels right and she PUSHES..._

_And then she's standing in a park, watching multi-colored leaves floating down from the trees, smelling a faint trace of wood smoke. The sound of children's laughter floats to her, and she looks over to a playground where a multitude of them are scampering around. And there, perched in a toddler swing, is a darling little girl with brown pigtails and bright blue eyes... Squealing and giggling, "more, Daddy, higher!" And her daddy obliges, pushing her higher, then turns to beam at Kate with a smile meant just for her..._

Kate wakes with the bright early morning sun shining fully in her face, and she knows. She KNOWS. It's time.

The morning drags slowly by. Thankfully, it's a paperwork day, and they are scheduled to be off this weekend so any new cases will likely be picked up by the team on call. If she can just get through this day, then she can spend the weekend coming up with a way to get Castle alone to talk to him. He isn't planning on coming in today- not for paperwork- so she needs to figure out a way to see him. Should she text him, ask what his plans are for the weekend? Just stop by the loft? Actually call and ask him out? Why is this so hard?

The ding of the arriving elevator registers, and she glances up out of habit. And there he is. Striding towards her desk, carrying 2 coffees, as if her thoughts of him have conjured the man himself. And without allowing herself time to consider her actions (and possibly talk herself out of them) she shuts off her computer, grabs her purse, and stands.

"Hey, Castle- you're just in time! I have a lead to run down on the cold case Ryan and Espo are working on right now. I was about to call you to see if you wanted in- but here you are!" Without waiting to see if he is following her, she grabs her coffee from his hand, rewarding him with a bright smile, and heads off to the elevator. Momentarily flustered, Castle quickly recovers and trots to catch up with her, joining her in the elevator. As the doors slide closed, Kate looks out to see Ryan and Espo looking at her in confusion- there is no cold case after all. Throwing them a wink and a smirk, she looks down at her cell phone, and quickly sends them each the same message:

**I'm done for the day. Got something *important* to take care of ;-) See you on Monday. Wish me luck!**

As she drives, she considers how to approach this. Direct and to the point? Just blurt out that she loves him? Or take a more indirect route, start from the beginning and paint him a picture of their relationship from her perspective. Talk about her therapy sessions, the work she is doing on herself, on becoming more- more for him, for _them_? Apologize for ditching him for months after she was shot this summer? For lying about what she remembered? Trouble is- these are all things she wants to say to him...eventually. But she cannot imagine how to start that conversation, how to continue it without turning into a blubbering idiot. What she really wants is for Castle to help her, lead her, like he always does. She wants to know how he is feeling before she bares her soul to him. But how?

Thankfully, as she is pondering her options, Castle is chatting away about the TV lineup last night- totally oblivious to the turmoil raging in Kate's brain. So he's surprised when Kate suddenly blurts out "hey Castle- I have to swing by my apartment and grab something quick. Is that ok?"

Castle spluttered to a stop mid-sentence and glanced at Kate in surprise. "Oh, uh, yeah- of course. Why wouldn't it be? What do you need?"

Kate gave a simple shrug, ignoring his question, and quickly pulled into a parking spot close to her building. "Run upstairs with me Castle- I'll make us a sandwich quick. I haven't had lunch yet."

Nodding his compliance, Castle hopped out of the car and walked alongside Kate, ushering her into her building with a light hand to the small of her back. Once inside her elevator though, he stepped back to give her some space- but as the doors slid closed, Kate stepped back and to the side, placing herself so close to Castle that they're touching- just barely, but touching nonetheless. If he was surprised at her proximity, he didn't show it- just looked at her with a sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face.

All too soon they had stepped off the elevator and were in the entryway of Kate's apartment. As she closed and locked the door, and set her purse on the table, she turned to face him_. Do or die time Kate_, she thinks to herself_. Time to put up or shut up. Fish or cut bait. Time to... Oh what the hell!_

"Castle- I need to tell you something." She glanced up at him with a look of determination on her face. She knows what she needs to do now- she's a woman with a mission. "I'm not running down a lead for the boys right now- in fact I'm off work for the weekend. I brought you here because I wanted to talk to you in private..." As Castle opened his mouth to say something, Kate reached out and covered it with her hand. "No- you can't talk right now. I've got the floor for a minute,ok?". Castle nodded mutely, Kate's hand still covering his mouth. She suddenly realized where her hand was and pulled it away, flushing at the thought of having that mouth on her hand (and imagining all the other places she wants that mouth..._oooohhhhh, FOCUS Kate_!)

"There are a lot of things I want to tell you- A LOT- but I would need hours, days really, to say everything I want to say. And I don't know if any of my words would really convey to you how much I feel for you- how much I care about you." She paused, took a deep breath, and then continued. "Castle- how much_ I love you_. So I'm hoping that my actions can speak louder than words right now."

And with that, she reached out and wrapped her arms around his neck, drawing him down closer to her, and pressing her lips against his. For one second, one awful heart-breaking second, he doesn't respond. But then- he does.

And when he does, her world explodes into a firestorm of pure want. His mouth roughly claimed hers, tongue sliding between her lips to stroke her own, hands grasping at her shoulders, then sliding around to hold her close against his body. His fingers slipped into her hair, stroking the base of her neck while his other hand splayed against her lower back, pressing her hips against his. A growl of need escaped from his throat, fueling Kate's desire for him.

Castle pulled his mouth away from hers for a moment, leaving his hands firmly planted on her body, holding her close while running his nose along hers gently. "You don't get to skip the talking part, Kate. I want to hear your words- I want to know everything you are thinking, everything you are feeling... But if you want to put the talking off until later- I can be persuaded. Just know that I don't take this lightly- this is real. And I love you too..." And with that, his lips claimed hers again and all talking was done for a long time.

Later, laying naked in Kate's bed, arms wrapped around each other, with Kate's head nestled snugly against Castle's chest, they have their talk. Kate tells him everything- how she was so tempted to go out with him after their first case together (and how glad she is that she didn't let herself become a momentary conquest, soon to be forgotten). She told him about the time she nearly came with him to the Hamptons, breaking up with Demming to clear the way for Castle to be in her life (that one had Castle kicking himself for his quick reaction to her supposed rejection ...). She told him about her feelings for him, that somehow over the years had grown from partner ...to best friend... to absolutely everything. How confused she was last year because she _did_ like Josh- she really _did_, and she wasn't about to become a cheater- but how she knew in the end it would be Castle, it would _always_ be Castle. But then her world was shattered with a betrayal and a bullet to the heart, and she didn't think she would ever be whole again. How slowly, slowly she has been working her way back to him, back to them, and now finally- FINALLY- she is ready to move on, put it all behind her, and start living her real life- the life she was always meant to have, the life her mom would have wanted her to live... She was ready to start now. And would he please live that life with her, because without him- well it wouldn't seem like any of it was worth it if she didn't have him.

And Castle opened himself to Kate- sharing his feelings, his fears for her, his attempts to keep her safe. He told her about Mr. Smith, and about his attempts to work on her case without bringing her into it because he was ..her. He told her about watching her in the interrogation room, watching her share something with a suspect that she couldn't share with him- and how much that HURT him, rocked him to the core. How he doubted everything he thought he knew about her. How he tried to move on, tried to make himself forget her by using a blonde bimbo as a surrogate. How he nearly vomited on said blonde bimbo when he tried to kiss her, because she was so *not Kate* that he couldn't even hide his disgust (mostly with himself, but still- Blondie got the idea and got the heck outta Dodge pretty damn quick...) How he finally decided that he couldn't possibly stop loving her, so why fight it? Why not embrace it instead- at least he could be her friend and still love her and keep her safe and that would be so much better than never seeing her again, or at least he hoped it would be... But now, NOW-

Now they can start living that life they were meant to live- together. They can keep each other safe, keep each other happy, and make each other whole.

And they have a whole weekend to start that life off on the right path- with lots of love, lots of laughing, lots of talking, lots of sharing, and yeah- lots of making love. What a wonderful way to start a wonderful life.


End file.
